Diet Advice From A Kid

My mom implied to me the other day that I need to eat better. I don’t think I eat great. I’m certainly not the healthiest person in the world. I would say it’s not my eating that’s the problem. I drink like shit. I drink a Coke every morning to start the day. I probably have three or four a day. I even had one of my kids at camp say, “A Coca-Cola at nine in the morning? What would your mom say to that? My mom wouldn’t let me do that.” I didn’t appreciate getting shamed by a ten-year-old. It felt shitty, but I'm conscious of my issues. It is a bit bizarre to drink a Coke at nine in the morning, but it makes me so fucking happy. The sweet liquid, created by the gods, slides down my throat with such a loving feeling. It’s just too great to not enjoy it in the earliest parts of the day. Bringing it back to my dietary issues, I don’t eat very much. I really hate eating, and I like being underweight. Eating has always felt like a chore. I like the way I look skinny, so I don’t want to gain weight. It’s pretty simple. When I do eat, it’s a mix of the same few things. I like pasta, chicken, any kind of cow (except the testicles), and some fish. I love rice. I love sushi. Pizza rolls are great. Pizza itself is also great. I’m pretty picky about what I eat. I’m the guy at the restaurant that adds and subtracts five ingredients every time they order. I was hoping for a freshman fifteen when I got to school, but I found it harder to eat at school. I was so busy it always slipped my mind. Go drink a Coke tomorrow morning. Enjoy it. Happy Monday everyone!