I Could Be An Olympian

I’ve been watching a decent amount of the Olympics. Every Olympic athlete is at the pinnacle of their sport, except Wyndham Clark, and I can’t help but wonder if I could ever be an Olympian. Now I know I definitely couldn’t do it for any sport. I’m not athletic, and I’m not really good at anything. The saving grace of this whole predicament is that the Olympic committee loves to add weird shit to the games. When golf was added, it made total sense. It’s a competitive game, and there are plenty of golfers wanting to represent their country. When they add shit like kayak cross—have you watched the kayak cross events? What the fuck?!—speed walking? How in the world is speed walking an Olympic sport? Skateboarding was a great addition, and break dancing was pushing the line a bit. All of this weird stuff made me wonder, what could they add to make me an Olympian? I asked a few of my friends this question, and some had good answers. Charlie said he is an Olympic-level catcher of food in his mouth. I thought that was a pretty great answer until I saw this guy catching marshmallows from the top of an auditorium on America’s Got Talent. Maybe Charlie could be the second American in the mix. I narrowed things down and came up with a few options. I could be an Olympic scorecard keeper. I absolutely love keeping score when I’m playing golf. I think I’d be on the podium for sure. Maybe a gold medal, but definitely at least a bronze. The other thing I could probably be an Olympian in is back cracking. I think if there were a noise level competition for back cracking, I could kill. If anyone has any good answers, let me know. I’m not sure there is anything else. I’d love to represent the USA, even if it were for something extremely stupid. Sorry if there are any grammar issues. I’m writing this on my phone from an Indian restaurant in Albany. I just played forty five holes of golf, so I’m exhausted. Too much driving and not enough sleep. Happy Monday, everyone!