Lots Of Thinking

This is the first blog post I’ve written in Cooperstown since August 9th, 2024. It feels weird being home for the first time in so long. It’s like nothing changed, but at the same time, everything did. Last year I came home so much, it felt like I never really left. I was still living here, but I was commuting to school in the city with a place to stay. Now, it feels like I don’t live here for the first time in my life. I live in the city, and I’m staying at my parents' house upstate. I don’t like that at all. I have these periods of time where I just can’t stop thinking about everything. I’ve never found it to be an unhealthy thing. Thinking about things in the past, present, and future is just what life is. Do I wish I could flip the switch on and off? Yes, of course. I don’t like constantly thinking. I have this annoying voice in my head, and it feels like it’s scratching my brain. Sometimes it’s great, and I reminisce on the good, but recently I’m just being harsh on myself. There is regret and guilt. I’ve always been a pretty judgy person towards others, but when you start judging yourself, it can really suck. I want to hold myself to a high standard, but I don’t know if that’s fair. Maybe it’s okay to not be exactly what I have imagined. I’m not sad, depressed, or unwell. I just wish everything could go along without feeling crappy about it. I obsess over money and let it ruin my mood. I always want to know what my life would be like if I made different decisions. I guess I also look into the future and hope I don’t fuck up and make more wrong decisions. I just feel guilty all the damn time.  It sounds weird, but it is usually TV shows or movies that start these long, unstoppable trains of thought. An idea sparks, and I can’t really get away from it. I just should’ve known not to watch any sad TV shows with deep thoughts and emotions. It’s nice being able to see some of my friends while I’m home. Not everyone is back from college yet, but they will be by the next week or so. As I’ve mentioned, I’m going back and forth to the city all break because of work. This is the first installment of my travels back and forth. I’m not sure if it will be a good break or a bad break, but time will tell. It’ll probably be exhausting. My dad thinks I’m a Negative Nancy—I just think I’m realistic. I’ll see you all Wednesday.