To: Keegan

Even if we didn’t always get along, growing up with two sisters was great. I always told my parents I wanted them to have another baby and to make it a boy. I said it as if it was really easy and totally in their control. No matter how many times my mom told me no, I was persistent. I don’t think I gave up on my dream until the end of sixth grade. At that point, I realized I’d be too old to fully experience having a little brother. I went through other plans, but apparently adoption is a long and hard process. Luckily enough, the next year I got what I wanted. Well, kind of. Keegan moved to the Cooperstown School District in the sixth grade. He was a soccer freak, and I was too busy playing golf, so we weren’t friends immediately after his move. When seventh grade came around, and we moved to a new school building, Keegan and I slowly started becoming friends. Everyone would go to a local pizzeria to hang out. It was the same group of friends every day, but one day someone invited Keegan. After that, we became acquainted. For New Year’s Eve, I decided to invite him and my other friend, Simon, to my house for a sleepover. I guess that was a weird mix at the time. Simon and I were relatively close—at least as close as seventh graders could be. Keegan was still new to the friend group. I’ll never forget that sleepover. It was the birth of my two best friendships. Whether it was watching clown porn, sending texts I’d later regret, or screaming “2018 Like Dat’ Yo!”—it was a really fun night. Through middle school, we stayed pretty close, but during the pandemic, we became family. My parents wouldn’t let me see big groups of friends, so I was only allowed to see Simon and Keegan. They’d come over almost every day, and we’d stay up skateboarding until four in the morning. That summer was the first time I ever got drunk—which should be a story for another time. They were basically living with us all summer. The next year was tough. As I wrote the other day, 2021 was the worst year of my life. Towards the end of the year, I was having a really hard time. Keegan was there for all of it. He was staying with us almost every day. I had never had deep conversations with friends before, but Keegan and I would talk for hours. It was a hard time, but he made it easier. I remember running upstairs one time and just sobbing to him. He rubbed my back and listened. We had a bit of a rough patch after that because I was a piece of shit. But our friendship inevitably healed. In our Creative Writing class, we had a semester-long project compiling all our work. We had to write a dedication, and I dedicated mine to Keegan. I had to read it in front of the class. I hate when people say, “They saved my life.” Keegan didn’t save my life, but he sure as fuck helped me put the pieces back together. I was breaking up the whole time I had to read it. That summer, I started hanging out with a new group of friends, and I didn’t see Keegan much. But come fall, we were back to almost nightly hangouts. It’s really hard to talk to people about your feelings, but when you talk to Keegan, it feels like you’re talking to an understanding version of yourself. The day before he left for college, we smoked a cigar under a meteor shower and talked about the past few years. The day he left felt like I was shot in the chest. I thought that was it. People leave, and people change. Keegan didn’t. I saw him in October, and he was the same idiot. He came down to the city a few times during my first year at school. We walked around the city and went to the soccer fields near Hudson Yards. I was trying to convince him to dump his school and come live with me in the city. This year at school has been really hard on me, and it’s the longest time since seventh grade that I went without Keegan by my side. Seeing him over this break felt like I was put back together, just like in 2021. We always say we’ll live together one day. Our plans are usually bullshit we just say out loud, but I believe that one. I could go on and on about him, but some things are best said in person. I never had a biological brother, but I have a Keegan. I’m pretty damn happy about that. I love you. Happy Wednesday, everyone!