Unwritten Apologies

I don’t think apologies are always one hundred percent necessary. Sometimes people don’t deserve to hear you say sorry, but sometimes you really should have said it. Looking back on past mistakes, I have started feeling terribly guilty about not saying sorry. It isn’t easy. Admitting you were wrong and made a mistake in the moment feels like torture. I’ve noticed it’s way more torturous having to feel terrible about it years in the future. I wish I could have swallowed my pride in the moment so I didn’t have to feel like this now. I don’t know if any apology is ever too overdue. Is it weird to reach out to people you’ve left in your past that you treated like shit? I made a list of people who I’d like to say sorry to about things I did or said. Some are pretty minuscule mistakes, and some are things I’m really embarrassed about. I like to think I have grown up and gotten a little more mature over the past few years. I’m not the same person, and I want those people to know that I know I was terrible. Again, is it weird to reach out to people? Or should I just understand that the guilt I feel is the punishment? The other thing is—do people even want to have things brought back up, or do they just want to forget them too? These are questions I’d love the answer to, but I think I need to come up with my own conclusion. I’ve written paragraphs that I’ve meant to send out, but I always chicken out of sending them. Feeling guilty is your body telling you the right thing you should do or should have done. Someone told me today they were the worst version of themselves in high school. I think that might just be the case for everyone. I was definitely the worst version of myself in high school, and I still carry some of the same bad habits. Habits are hard to shake. I overreact in situations. If you say something or do something that I deem wrong, then I’ll probably say shit that I shouldn’t say and that isn’t even the true way I feel. Once I say it, I immediately start feeling bad. In high school, I didn’t realize the weight that words can carry. I told a girl to “stop being a cunt” in ninth grade because of the way we broke up. Not in the way people are saying cunt nowadays either. I don’t know if I knew how heavy it was and how offensive it was. I remember feeling remorse for it immediately after, but the damage was done. Her sister’s boyfriend texted me and explained, in a very nice way, why it wasn’t acceptable and how hurtful it was. I still feel like I owe her another apology, and that was almost six years ago now. The worst thing is—I’ve probably called someone a cunt behind their back recently if I heard them say something hurtful about me. So maybe I haven’t learned, and I’ll feel the same way in six more years. Even if people mean well and just don’t like me, I take that terribly. Unwritten apologies haunt me. Someone was talking to me about how powerful reflection is, and this post really makes me think. Maybe these apologies will be written, or they might be hidden forever. Is that terrible? Happy late Friday, everyone! Enjoy your (hopefully warm-ish spring) weekend.